serenity

The wisdom to know the difference

David Newey* says the most important strategy for his life has been the serenity prayer. It reads: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

So the green track this week is to make a list of things that bother you most about our current situation. And then to take a piece of paper, and draw two boxes on it. Label one: Things I cannot change, and the other: “Things I can change”. Put every item on your list into one box or the other. No exceptions.

The items in the ‘can change’ box are up to you. All I would say is: “Do it, or don’t do it!”

But in respect of the ‘cannot change’ box, circle the item in that is causing you the most fretting. Fix it firmly in your mind, and say very clearly to yourself: It is what it is. Whenever it appears in your mind to sap time and mental energy. Stop and say to yourself, clearly: It is what it is. And then work out what that really means for you.

It is what it is … don’t let it create any more damage than it has to.

As David puts it: “So much mental anguish is self-generated as people try, and inevitably fail, to change the unchangeable, be that Covid, Brexit or just getting older.  No one delights in failing so why set oneself to fail?”

The Illusion of Control

The Blue track takes this thinking a step further, and is based on Mo Gawdat’s Google talk on The illusion of Control.

The task is quite simple: watch the video, and then give yourself 30 minutes at the end to answer these three questions on a sheet of paper:  “What was that all about?”; “What was in it that relates to me?”; “What am I going to do about it?”

I am grateful to Mark Richardson* for this, who playfully ‘traded’ it with me for my “working from home exercise wheel”

Is that so?

Zen Koans are Buddhist wisdom literature. They are short stories that have hidden depths. One of the stories I had most difficulty with is entitled: Is that so?  I have reproduced it below. I read it and it made no sense whatsoever. In fact it made me angry … Angry enough to keep thinking about it … Thinking about it over the next three days .. Three days until a light went on, and I could see why I was wrong.

I include the story below in the hope that its enlightenment will bless you as much as it did me (despite the possible frustration you experience beforehand).

Hakuin was greatly respected and had many disciples. At one time in his life, he lived in a village hermitage, close to a food shop run by a couple and their beautiful, young daughter. One day the parents discovered that their daughter was pregnant. Angry and distraught, they demanded to know the name of the father. At first, the girl would not confess but after much harassment, she named Hakuin. The furious parents confronted Hakuin, berating him in front of all of his students. He simply replied, “Is that so?”

When the baby was born, the family gave it to Hakuin.  By this time, he had lost his reputation and his disciples. But Hakuin was not disturbed. He took delight in caring for the infant child; he was able to obtain milk and other essentials from the villagers. A year later, the young mother of the child was troubled by great remorse. She confessed the truth to her parents – the real father was not Hakuin but rather a young man who worked at the local fish market. The mortified parents went to Hakuin, apologizing, asking his forgiveness for the wrong they did him. They asked Hakuin to return the baby. Although he loved the child as his own, Hakuin was willing to give him up without complaint. All he said was: “Is that so?”